saw the most spectacular sunset with my old friend. we talked about everything and nothing all at once.

i realize as i travel more path that i am learning much about how my world fits together. i see where my hang ups and problems are and i face them head on. i don't hide behind walls or hold it in. sometimes this comes off as challenge or process and i've lost friends for sure, but i've emerged with deeper understandings.

right now there's a small wall i've been trying to scale for several years. its the one where i don't feel worthy of the things i receive and the love of my friends. its like i believe i'm a charlatan or something. i know i'm not a dark and brooding individual and i'm endlessly optimistic while remaining deeply cynical. i love so fully that it hurts sometimes and the end lesson is always the same...love yourself and be confident in your abilities to live the dream. all the rest will slide into place from there.

i wish i didn't engage her in process the way i do because i want something that may never be possible to have. instead i should love her more fully for being free and being cool. she knows i am not a run of the mill character. kinda rare in some regards. i just want to make sure i don't destroy things before they really find flight. there are levels of meta that she doesn't know within me yet. patience is key.

all this being said there's no reason to have any sort of lack of trust in the inherent connectedness of the universe. no matter what happens i am still here and witnessing this, taking part in it...grateful for the opportunity to take part.

i could apologize a million times over but i rather just keep on attempting to move beyond it...onbeyond if you will. sooner or later we all catch up to the evolved self we've always known we are inside.