i've spent a crazy amount of time reading back in her diaries, again because it really intrigues me to learn as much as i can about her. i'm always amazed at the depth of the self she reveals publicly, on the net, when its crazy hard to get her to talk directly about deeper issues.

even stranger is this whole meme she's dropped on me about not being a writer. i see someone who clearly has this skill...text based thinking. she's fast and smart with text language, she's fucking hilarious and totally real. makes the poetry and shiny verse i've thrown all over the world seem like so much extra clothing.

what i also see and admire in her is the way that she loves. so clear she loved the "boy" and that the "boy" was one fortunate mofo because i don't think she'll ever love me like that. maybe this is kind of the unexplainable ache that never gets touched. i mean what do you have to do?

it sounds like the "boy" really had no context for understanding exactly what he had found in this elf. she's quite the individual

mad dragon style skywalker

willing to move thru fear

and she says sometimes she feels like she's not going anywhere

but you look at where she's come from and just get blown away.

i feel like i saw this immediately.

if you love someone set them free.

hmmm

i started the whole thing with this because i wanted a real grounded sense of this to be the foundation from which everything else sprung.

its so up and down with her and i'm never sure but really want to be.

i think she still wants this "boy" back

after all she set him free and hoped he'd come back

and now he's coming back

back back

back words

backwards

moving forward but allso back

and here i am

somehow ending up as a catalyst for a certain type of change in both of their lives.

and i keep thinking that maybe she's found an awesome ally in me because i know how she feels

i know what its like to love a black hole

to throw yourself into a void

and be denied ...

and here we are, she and i

challenging each other over concepts and definitions

and maybe she just wants to be free

and maybe she just wants to be herself

and thats so cool

but she engages me equally it seems...

there's something here

something amazing

and i love finding out what's up

she says jokes about being the cause of my "crashes" but she can't imagine the complexity of the last wreck i was in, only see the aftermath of the hurricane as it passes thru.

i use the word love because i mean it, because i've felt nothing else like it

like she said

each one is different and i keep thinking i'll never find it again

but it starts in me and all i have to do is see it.

so i bet she probly will read this at some point because she's as curious as me

and she'll find someone peering out and glad to be here

openly

exposed.