i dream of flight. the lighthouse must materialize. the entities battle for control of my body and will. i have gotten what i asked for but now i dont think its really what i want.

let me rephrase

imagine you were so free that it seemed like nothing was unattainable. imagine you needed to live up to that potential but often found yrself swimming in a sea of naps and maybe tomorrows. well, thats not how its turning out. instead i have taken on a million things but i havent taken on what i would really love to do.

i want to make music

i want to be a dj before i get too old to appreciate what they offer the world. i don't want my love for play to be killed by a feeling that i must achieve some sort of a serious goal. i don't like the part of me that feels compelled to be responsible and legit. i want to have unproected sex with the world and wake up without feeling guilty. i want to love without insulation and see sunsets. i don't want the trivialities of some client's ads to be the subject of my energetic concentrations all the time. i want to build a house. i want to have time to cook the best food possible and eat it with leisure. i want to do yoga everyday and read a book every two days.

as time moves along it increases the amount of things i want to do and expands the amount of things i might never be able to do even tho i want to. i guess this is why buddhist monks opt for the ascetic life. perhaps to avoid the pain of not living up to the immensity of one's potential...tho they suggest that path as the ultimate means of realizing it.

i'm torn as to whether or not this is an illusion i am attempting to overcome or to enjoy. somedays it's both.

all i know is that it would be a lot more fun if she'd just arrive.

dammit.

i know she's coming